Tuesday, March 3, 2015

Poison

I love bourbon..... LOVE IT.  I can drink a small barrel like Basil Hayden all night long without slurring a word. I've always been able to get shnockered and keep it together. I will be blacked out, but my voice will be clear and concise.

Today, I was talking to a colleague and mentioned a new bourbon bar down the street from my house, and my mouth started to water... It's like the gray sky of winter cleared out and I could see myself sitting in the hot sun enjoying a Seelbach. This scares the crap out of me. How do I start anew? How do I breakup with one of the loves of my life, even though our relationship is a dysfunctional disaster?

What is even scarier is that my husband thinks I just need discipline.... I don't need to quit entirely, just be disciplined about how I drink..... I don't think he gets it and it really scares me.

Personally

Today during a meeting at work, we had to tell our neighbor something we were thankful for, but it had to be more personal than work oriented. It hit me then that I have a very hard time getting personal with people. I'm jovial, fun and conversational, but it's all very surface-y. I'm also a good listener, because the more I listen, the less I'm required to disclose.

I embarrass pretty easily, but I'm very good at shrugging it off, for appearances only. If I do something stupid or embarrassing, I act like it's really not a big deal and I'm so above the common humiliations others go through.... I have super human anti-humiliation skills, you see!!! It's all bullshit. Those humiliations bury into my soul and begin to fester into the pile of rotting previous humiliations I have hidden beneath the surface. They become just another reason as to why I don't like myself and why I'm  not worthy.


I don't know how to open up more, but I need to...I need to be more honest with my feelings, not only with other people, but with myself.

Today is Day 4.

Monday, March 2, 2015

Accountability

Good morning, Day 3!

Don't let the use of exclamation points fool you into a false sense of chipperness, though things have settled down a bit, everything here is strained, not to mention the winter blahs are making it all more shitty. I feel anxious. But, I need to come here everyday and write something about how I'm feeling, so here I am. I'm anxious and humiliated. I'm also going through a lot of work stress, which is sucky as well.

Where is spring?

Sunday, March 1, 2015

Pick Yourself Up.

Well, it's been a drunken few months since I last posted. I would have a few weeks of sobriety here and there, and really started convincing myself I can control this. I can't.

I think about all of the embarrassing things I've done that I can't remember. Relationships I've strained, people I've offended and hurt.. And I want to crawl in a hole. I feel like a failure at all things life. My husband is very angry with me, rightly so, and I've finally said out loud to him that I can't control myself around alcohol and I shouldn't work at our bar anymore. I know, I'm a real genius for putting myself behind the bar as the keeper of the booze when I could easily drink myself to death, but clarity is fleeting when you're hammered.

So, one day down. The rest to go.

Wednesday, October 15, 2014

And she fell......

I got really drunk last night. I don't know why, but I guess I thought because I was doing so well, it would be okay to drink. It wasn't.

I feel very ashamed right now.

Friday, October 10, 2014

Day 12

So, it's day 12 and this week has been really rough. My husband is out of town and I've been wrangling dogs, kids and life, by myself. This wouldn't be so bad if I had not started my period. When I posted my post on day five about TRIGGERS  I didn't even think about my menstrual cycle.

My time of month is so uncomfortable in many ways. Physically, socially and mentally. Because of this discomfort, I've always spent most of the red week, drinking. Not only did I crave more booze, I was less inhibited and I would abuse more so than I would during a regular time. I wonder why that is?

So, this week with all of the regular stress, stress of having my partner gone, stress of a new, but totally lovely and worth it, puppy, I've been dealing with the red eyed monster. The result of this has been a lot of negative self talk about rewarding myself with a glass of wine on Friday night. Luckily, I stumbled upon Anne's entry yesterday, and it's got me in a good head space. I will just have to take today one minute at a time.

When is this going to get easier?

Tuesday, October 7, 2014

Day Nine

Oh, HI!

We have crazy weekends around these parts. With non-traditional jobs, small businesses and children's activities, it can get down right exhausting.

It was tough this weekend. We own a bar and I work brunch. I was doing fine until I was off my shift and then the cravings were so intense, I had to go for a long walk. I know it's not wise to continue putting myself in an environment that is so tempting, but it's our business, and I can't ignore it. Luckily, I'm only there one day a week.

So, I've also been dealing with a lot of issues I have stemming from my childhood, which are pretty horrific. I will delve into those deeper here in due time, but the feelings of these events are so heavy and traumatic, not to mention the buried memories that are coming back to the surface being just a bit overwhelming.... I'm not ready yet.

Though I'm working on controlling my impulses when it comes to drinking, apparently I need to work on them when it comes to just "dropping in" at the local animal shelter to "look".

This is Benedict Jumping Alfredo Wigglesworth, aka "Beans".


Now, we have been talking for months about adding a second pup to our family, though we had agreed on next spring.... However, look at that face! I'm not made of stone!! Also? While I was filling out his paperwork, I found out he had just been surrendered that morning, further proving that this union was written in the stars.

He's really smart and good, He knows some basic commands, does well off leash, loves his pup-sister and kitty-brother, his people and is becoming an ace at house training. I'm in love.